This is how I spent my Fresher's Halloween. In the Lake District with a coach load of children with special needs. I really looked forward to Halloween that year. I never really celebrated when I was younger 'coz we were nice kids that went to church...." but in reality in Inner city Bradford the only treat you would get is a fire bomb in your car and eggs on your windows. ( true story )
So my first Halloween was spent looking after Children with special needs, in a secluded hostel in North Yorkshire, alone, with no internet, no signal , no alcohol, no civilisation and definitely no "proper sick halls party in flat number .... coz we so cool manz..
My sisters Carer had pulled out a few days before and due her behaviour being so challenging ( high maintenance, lazy and stubborn biatch ) she needed a one on one carer. SO after a big deadline, a night of no sleep and a trek back up north I found my self living the high life on a grey bus sat between my sister and a boy with autism totally talking about x factor and Jeremy Kyle.
It was in that split second of putting on my seat belt and that boy sat next me put his hand on mine, looked longingly into my eyes and said
' hi I'm ..... and I'm to Autistic to function, your North face rain coat is so fetch, ( leans in and smells my kneck) you smell like a baby prostitute
( points to my sister)" does she even go here? "
"I can't help it if I'm so popular... its nice to meet you. ...You've seen mean girls havnt you?"
It is times like these, on a miserable sodden evening at Keel Service station, surrounded by children with special needs tripping off skittles and Fanta Fruit twist, I think to my self and doubtlessly ponder , what has my life become. It is times like these I think I could be back in Halifax.
I shall call the boy Paul ( in reference to O'grady) , he had a thick scouse accent and was as camp as christmas. He was too young to know he fancied boys but I wasn't. The thing is with Autism is that they have a penchant for facts and fixation for routine. The thing is with Camp Autism is that they have a vehement enthusiasm for all things Musical, Mean and Fabulous. Instead of reciting facts about Dinosaurs, Dr Who and Specialist Fighter planes from WW2 he instead told me the entire history of the West End, an in-depth Synopsis of Glee and a full run down of Katie Price's marriage breakdown. I was sitting next to a live version of Heat magazine.
Him and Milly got on well, mainly over there unrequited love for Billy Elliot. Hence forth, the three Muskateers ventured forth into a bloody freezing and sodden weekend of orienteering, team building and mouldy flap jack. ( of which were affectionally named Kalteen bars- "Man, I hate those things. Coach Carr makes us eat those when we want to move up a weight class.")
The weekend was Hilarious and I could probably write a whole blog about that in itself. I seemed to become the joker of the group. I was always the first to be pushed off, in or over! I think Milly got really frustrated because I was having more fun than her. I remember sitting on top of a hill looking for miles around bellowing with this group of kids and 4 dishy outdoor instructors 'The Hills are alive with the sound of Music' while Milly sat 200 metres down hill because she was too lazy too walk up.
I paticularily rememeber kayaking and canoeing. Milly is a keen swimmer and so am I. I consider myself a neat kayaker if you don't mind either and so the deadly Canoe of Doom was formed with Me, Paul, Milly and Gavin ( the autistic Hulk)
I have a confession .... I am quite competitive. I think I re prioritised my life when I became competitive against children with special needs. But I mean we were 'THE PLASTICS" after all.
WE WERE THE KILLER TEAM
Milly got particularly bored half way through and jumped ship literally. She was sat head of the boat and literally stood up, stepped across and put one foot on the boat adjacent. She wobbled did the splits motion and tipped both boats. Everyone fell out apart from me and the instructor in the adjacent boat. Paul clung to the side shouting "I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go."
A couple of other kids in their frenzy had fallen in and there I was surrounded by a load of kids and instructors clinging on to my boat rocking it, splashing me and shouting 'Get her in, Get her in"
Naturally Halloween "In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." so Hence Paul and the other kids styled me accordingly with bin liners, masking tape and crayons.
I spent My Halloween in a dingy sports hall, school disco style with tuck shop and Now 42. They were having the time of there lives and well.. so was I. Milly, Paul and I secluded ourselves to a corner and played jenga. I also too got competetive here. The night ended in a dance off to a Town Called Malice ( Billy Elliot soundtrack of course) While me and Paul Re iterated our mental Burn Book over a cheeky game of Jenga
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